What exactly is a Midlife Crisis?
Is midlife crisis an inevitable occurrence; something to be avoided at all cost or something to be welcomed into our life?
Approximately 10% of midlifers (formally know as middle-aged adults) who are going through a life transition are identified as going through a personal crisis. It is most common between the ages of 40 and 60; a large study in the 1990s found that the average age at the start of a midlife crisis was 46 although in today’s economy, symptoms may start to show as madly early as 30. Midlife crises usually last about 3–10 years in men and 2–5 years in women.
Life situations that generate midlife transitions include (but are not limited to):
- Children leaving home and leaving the “empty-nest”
- An unwelcome or a long desired career change
- Aging parents requiring higher levels of support
- The end of a long-term relationship/loss of a partner
- Life threatening health issues in self or a close family member
If you are having a midlife crisis it is not uncommon to be feeling sensations of:
a quest to realise a dream or goal, which may still be undefined- a profound regret for goals you haven’t accomplished
- failure and humiliation in comparison to more successful peers
- a strong desire to feel youthful again
- a need to spend time alone or with certain people that you wouldn’t normally
What often happens in a midlife crisis is that we experience a major life transition stemming from dramatic circumstances such as overwhelming debt, an end of a relationship or a job, a death of someone close, a serious illness or a traumatic event in which we felt endangered. Crisis events like these often occur around middle age, although the “midlife crisis” can happen up to 20 years before what is traditionally regarded as midlife. These experiences are life changing and cause a major disruption to the way we perceive ourselves, our life and our loved ones.
The feelings that often occur with a midlife crisis are:
- Discontentment with aspects of your life or lifestyle that previously made you happy
- Boredom with things/people that once held great interest in your life
- Desire for adventure and wanting to do something completely different
- Becoming uncomfortable with the aging process and your own mortality
- Questioning the meaning of life and your decision-making ability
- Confusion about who you are, where your life is going and what purpose there is to your life.
- Compulsion to just run away from everything
If we allow ourselves to be driven by fear, these feelings become so uncomfortable they generate stress and anxiety and drastically reduce our self-esteem and confidence. It is our struggle to accept what is happening to us that usually results in the most pain. If we dig our heels in and refuse to go with this flow of change (usually because we think we can control it), we end up in a form of trauma and pain. We will then generate a crisis out of our transition, or at least allow a crisis to arise.
Developing from that state we will commonly see behaviours such as:
substance abuse of alcohol or drugs- unexplained bouts of depression
- irritability and unexplained anger
- blaming ourselves for our perceived failures
- acquisition of unusual or expensive toys and items; such as motorbikes, boats, clothing, sports cars, jewellery, gadgets, tattoos, piercings, etc.
- paying special attention to physical appearance to looking younger such as covering baldness, wearing youthful designer clothes, getting cosmetic surgery, etc.
- entering relationships with younger people (sexual, professional or just social)
- placing over-importance (to a possible psychologically damaging amount) on our children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics
Most often a midlife crisis is not identified as such until we are well into the process of change. This is because it is only visible after a drastic shift in our nature. Usually, the process has started long before the visible external characteristics appear. The above behaviours are indicators that we have reached a crisis and often support is required to help us through the process of change.
It is possible to help someone discover how to define their life to better match what makes them content and happy. Care does need to be taken though, when supporting a person through this transformation, as they will often feel trapped in a corner without options.
If you are relating to the descriptions in this article, don’t worry. You are not crazy and are not going mad. Rest assured it is a normal phase of life. Be gentle on yourself and look inwards to identify what it is that needs to change in you and your life – but do not make any rash decisions or actions. Welcome your midlife crisis into your life as a beautiful opportunity to explore and become more of who you really are. Dig deep and explore your feelings and behaviours with the help of a therapist, meditation and various forms of personal development articles, books and courses.
Surrender and acceptance will ease the transition. It will not necessarily be easy and pain free, but we can make it less problematic if we accept that changes in ourselves are both desirable and necessary. Sometimes we need to go through pain to really get the big lessons in life. Allow the transformation to the next phase of your life and feel the excitement of what lays ahead for you.
About the Author – Janeen Sonsie
Janeen‘s spheres of passion are real communication for prosperous relationships and blossoming through life transitions. She is a keynote speaker, facilitator and coach who helps people and organisations around the world create fulfilling intimate connections out of crisis situations in life and business. Janeen is the Founder and editor of MojoCircle magazine. For more information see Our Experts page.
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